I saw your future. It was as clear as any sign-post. Your infection was spreading, and pretty soon it would have infiltrated your organs. You were already coughing and weakened. In that moment of realization that I had, you sat straight up and put your head in my lap.
I tried so hard not to show my anguish, but I gave up on that. How could I not feel the agony of knowing what was to become of you if I simply sat back and let it happen? And so I cried, and you knew something was up – something was very different and strange and it scared you.
Maybe if I had a car I would have waited a little longer. But then again, every single day that passed would have become a throw of the dice – a spinning of the chamber in a game of Russian roulette. Would your lungs hemorrhage? Would the infection cause you foot to split to the bone? And the pain, my baby-girl – it was going to get worse. It was going to get so much worse. Flies were landing on your foot. Your wound had weeped open overnight and that is why you were in so much pain.
I had to make a choice. I had to choose another few days or maybe a week or two with you by my side, or letting you go to be free – to release your spirit to the wind and the rain – and even the wet warmth of my tears as I held you so tightly to me in those last moments.
I'm crying because that choice sucked. I want you here. I want Noel here. I miss you both. I miss you both so much that sometimes it hurts to breathe, but as hard as it is, knowing what was to come is something I could not bear. I love you Nadja. I love you so very much.
My tears are falling pretty hard right now, but even in the throes of grief and sadness – my heart smiles with the memories of the many, many years we walked together. I am bringing both you and Noel home. I am comforted by that. And I will – in time – be able to draw comfort from the knowledge that your journey into the next realm was made with people around you who cared – very much and not focus so much on the few days we 'might' have had.
Your doctor cried.
And you were wrapped in Noel's blanket and in my arms.
And that vision I had of ruptured lungs and festering wounds and failing kidneys is simply that – a vision. What could have been. Because I love you, I had to choose to let you go. Because I love you, I had to let go of the other vision I had - of you by my side and that was SO hard.
Be with Noelani..and run across the blue fields and wide open spaces of the wind and the sun. Laugh again in the moonlight – with her kisses leaving drops of dew in your black coat. Play chase games with Noelani over hump-back clouds. My two bright angels.